“Because how you get there is the worthier part.”

“Because how you get there is the worthier part.”

1. I am fat. This really is the core of everything else that’s wrong with me, so it gets top billing. More importantly, I am fat enough to be depressed about being fat (moreso than being depressed about everything else.) But most importantly, I am finally depressed enough about being fat to actually DO something about it. Which is where the stress comes in.

1a.) I have taken the first step towards a healthier lifestyle, but am unwilling to mention exact plans or steps or publicly track my progress due to the very helpful, well-intentioned people in my life who would sabotage the whole thing with one very well-meaning piece of “advice.” I am not, as I may have mentioned before, an emotionally stable person. It might surprise you how little it takes to unhinge me. Aside from my husband, I have a support network of one – and that works for me right now.

2. I am a walking time bomb of health problems. Osteoarthritis (hands and feet, diagnosed at 35.) Herniated disc in my lower back, constantly in danger of ‘slipping.’ At major risk for diabetes. Weak knees. Migraines. Asthma developing with startling rapidity. There’s more, but my point has been made. I would like, I think, to live to see 50. If such a thing is not to be, I would rather it be due to the 2012 apocalypse than me stroking out while walking across the yard.

3. I am unemployed more often than not, and this has a devastating effect on my self-esteem – almost more so than my weight issues. I don’t like it, and I hate that I am not qualified for anything that pays worth a damn, and I hate that I am paralyzed with fear at the prospect of returning to school. (physically. I could probably do online.) So to that end, I have signed up to take the “substitute teacher certification” course being offered in early February. We’ll see how that goes.

4. I have accomplished nothing in the area which shall remain nameless. It is as if once I set the deadline to complete the project, my entire psyche set about finding ways to avoid said project at all costs. I’m surprised I haven’t chewed off my own hand, honestly. And I have to think: If I am so determined, subconscious or otherwise, to avoid the act of ****ing, then how can I say and (still) feel like the ****ing is a major part of who I am and what makes me … me?

5. I have the sneaking suspicion that my PMS is bordering more on PMDD, but there is nothing to be done about it. Herbal supplements will have to keep the crazy at bay, at least until one of us gets a job with insurance, and I can find a doctor I get along with and respect.

6. Lastly, and this is more like 1b. since it’s related to the weight thing: One of the things I like least about lifestyle changes is the resulting period of BLAR while my body adjusts to the new blood chemistry brought about by less caffeine and more health. It makes me even crazier than the PMS, but both at the same time is proving to be a monumental challenge.

So yeah. Had to get that off my chest. Peace out.

However, comma, I had a very bad habit of making Resolutions at the beginning of the year, and simply calling them something else. This year, though I am staunchly refusing to Resolve, I am announcing my Intention to be a better, more well-rounded person, as well as both discover and begin to pursue my true passions. Since it is not a Resolution, so when I fail utterly and wind up just as lost, disconnected, and unfocused as I was in 2010, it won’t be quite as devastating. Or something.

What do I mean by well-rounded? Well, not my shape, that’s for sure. I’ve got round pretty well covered. I also don’t mean volunteering at the animal shelter and being class president to look better on my college application. What I intend is to be less of a serial single-minded focuser, and more of a consistently diverse dabbler.

Maybe this will help: I love lists. I spent the morning of the 31st making lists of different areas of my life and actions and activities relating to each area – the original idea was to assign each area to a different day of the week, but then I had too many categories. A brief conversation with my youngest daughter gave me the answer. She recalled for me an approach to chores I took with her and her sister when they were younger.

I wrote different chores (that took 15 minutes or less) on a stack of index cards, and included some non-chore ‘fun’ cards as well (“eat 2 cookies’, ‘bounce on trampoline’, ‘read for 30 min’, etc.) They each drew a card every day, and there was always the chance they wouldn’t have to do a chore at all, but even the ones they did do were a surprise, so they were less like work. She remembered loving the non-structure of it, and the kid in me thought it was a great idea too.

So instead of doing all the chores in a given category in one day, I thought: “what if I do one thing from each category each day?” That way I could focus on what most needs doing or what I am most in the mood for, and not (as I am prone to do) spend entire days cleaning or ***ing or doing any one thing.

Because I am the world’s biggest nerd, I have color coded the categories and made notes in my new awesome smartphone (that needs a name since everything I own has a name) – each category has a list of possible actions or activities to fulfill that area, and I’ve got a checklist to keep track of what I’ve done and what’s left. The categories (so far) are: Domestic, Financial, Obligations, Personal, ***ing, Spiritual, and Romantic. I’m thinking of adding a “Health” category, once I prove to myself I can keep this working for more than a few weeks.

Today is going swimmingly: this blog fulfills the ***ing category – so there exists the chance that I will be blogging more often as a result of this system. So yay.

As for the other intention (NOT resolution): I want to know what I want. I want to be something (other than my children’s mother) when I grow up, and I want to know what that something is so I can more effectively focus my energies in that direction.

The way I have chosen to do this is with an eBook I purchased back in October: “How to Live Your Best Life: The Essential Guide for Creating and Achieving Your Life List” by Marelisa Fabrega of The Abundance Blog at Marelisa Online. It may take me all year, but by the time 2012 rolls around I want to at least know what I want, even if I haven’t quite figured out how to do it. Here’s a thought: Go support the phenomenal Marelisa Fabrega, buy the book, and work through it with me! We’ll make some sort of virtual reading group and email each other our progress, or something.

So there you have it: my absolutely-not-resolutions-but-only-intentions for 2011. *checks her list* Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go finish off the “obligations” and “family and friends” categories before bed.  =)

The bad: I am still busy, and I still hate it. Between work (for which I am thoroughly and deeply grateful, don’t get me wrong) and putting my home to rights (because it seems it never stays the way I put it, and I admit partial responsibility for that), and the other projects I’ve got going – I feel like I am going 90 to nothing and I’m still behind, with no time left for just stillness, closeness, and peace. Which I hate. A lot.

The rest: I am finding it difficult – on a level I can hardly comprehend – to focus on the good things at the moment. The bad is, quite simply, overwhelming. The best I can do is “at least I’m working,”  which is true, but temporary. If I stretch, I come up with “We’ve got it better than some.” Which is also true, but not helping.

And there I am.

First, I have decided (quite decisively, I might add) that I do not like being busy. By busy, I mean booked. This month, and especially this coming week, are full up with stuff I need to do and meetings I need to go to, and I am hating every single minute of it.

I am not cut from the cloth of the woman who lives for work, committees, volunteering, family, and hobbies. I recently took on several responsibilities that separately would be no problem, even a pleasure. But en mass, even enjoyable pursuits tend to lose their charm when they become obligations. (welcome, friends, to the reality of the 10 of Wands.) 

I have school meetings to attend, since my daughter is coming up on her Junior year & needs to start preparing for testing and continued education. She is also on the verge of being coming a licensed, car-owning driver. The other child has after school meetings for her academic activities. I am Secretary for the Cross Country Booster Club, in charge of technological promotion. I am secondary photographer for a local musical variety show. I recently took a series of potential head shots for some actor friends of mine, which then needed sorting, prioritizing, and (very little) editing.  My cat has been wildly, disturbingly sick. The holiday season is coming up, and financial concerns are at the forefront of everyone’s thoughts – I am no exception. Oh, and I w***e a 50k novel in under 30 days. There is just too, too much on my plate.

My primary goal as of this very moment is to a) survive the coming week and b) dedicate my life to being a simple, organized, & well planned person who doesn’t have a squillion obligations.

The second lesson I have learned (or at least become strong enough to admit) is that I want to be more than my children’s mother. Every single time I say anything about standing on the edge of 40 and having accomplished nothing substantial, everyone points to my daughters and tells me that I am a wonderful mother to two wonderful girls. I do not dispute their wonderfulness or my participation in their lives, but it is NOT too much to ask to leave more of a mark than that. And I intend to do so. I just have to figure out how.   

It’s always mid-November when I realize I have no idea what’s going on. Back during the Great Purge, I created Command Central – this area contains not one, but two calendars. The dry erase wall calendar AND the desk planner are sitting ignored in a pile of mail I need to deal with, a stack of computers, and two purses plus rotating contents.

I mean well. I always mean well, but that handbasket is cruising on the slippery slope of good intentions. Before you know it another year will have gone by and I will have missed appointments, deadlines, and probably opportunities because I simply can’t seem to focus on the stupid day to day stuff.

(Those in the know will remember my desperate plea for a Reality Liason, someone to deal with all this crap for me so I can get on with the business of being creative. Not that it’s a lucrative business, but it is what I resonate with. I still need one. Preferably live-in, willing to work all hours for no pay save room and board, for as long as I can even afford that.)

I’m not stupid, I know this. I am intelligent enough to know what isn’t working – but I am lost as to how to change either my system or myself. I have tried paper and computerized systems, but I can’t seem to make myself USE them … that’s the problem. I need a system that will get in my face and make me pay attention – does such a thing exist?

Why is this so important now? Well, I accidentally took a significant role in the newly formed booster club for cross country (given that both of my children run,) which means I have obligations, meetings, and deadlines. The holidays are my most scattered time since they follow on the heels of the madness that is NaNo*Mo – which I am not only participating in this year (at a higher personal word count than suggested), but also assisting with the management of our local group. Bills are due, taxes are due, and everything is crazy — and here am I, depressed by the fact that I’ve been so slack in previous holiday seasons that no one expects anything of me this year.

I want to exceed expectations.

I just want that smooth, simple, Donna Reed life where dinner is on the table on time and the house is clean and everyone smiles, where the biggest crises in any given day is a stain on the carpet. Donna Reed never forgot an appointment. Donna Reed always sent out holiday cards on time and raised  happy, healthy, well adjusted children. Donna Reed didn’t have manatee days.

I need a DeLorean, stat.

On the very first page (helpfully numbered “2″) I learned that I sag everywhere and thus require shaping garments, my cheeks are droopy, my hair is thinning, and I am depressed because of lack of imitation sunlight. All of this stuff muse be targeted at me, since my NAME was on the label, not just “Resident.” Page “3″ did offer me a tote bag and some slippers, right after hinting that my skin was wrinkly and my lips were thin.

Questioning the catalogue’s definition of “well-being,” I nonetheless turned to pages “4″ and “5″. And now it became clear. I am old. Not just getting older, but Crypt-Keeper old. My skin is dull, wrinkled, and thin, making my makeup look atrocious. My eyebrows are sparse and my eyelashes are brittle and thinning. My eyes are puffy, I have sagging upper lids, my lipstick is bleeding and my skin tone is uneven. I returned to the cover page, searching for a footnote or tiny fine print … You know, like “Time for Me (to start looking for self-esteem therapists in my area.)”

Pages  ”6″ and “7″ were all about my hair. My thinning, gray, damaged, weak hair so desperately in need of straightening or curling. “8″ and “9″ cut straight to the chase – the fat problem. A slimming vest, a bottom shaper, a waist cincher, cellulite massagers, pills to clean my colon, and creams to whittle my waist and increase my bust … clearly these people have not seen my bust.

I continued, transfixed by miraculous solutions to every possible human flaw: herbal supplements and patches, photo-therapuetics, creams, serums, depilatories, sleeves to disguise flabby arms, massagers for double chins, and … *blink* Exercise weights for … there?!

Let me just pause for a moment to say that in MY vocabulary, “well-being” is a state of being well; that is to say, being healthy and happy. I am led to understand as I browse the pages of this catalogue with equal parts shock and horror, that wellness is more about ‘you are fat, ugly, and creepifying, so dear god buy a cream or something – think of the children!’ Bleach those age spots before someone sees them! Tighten up that neck skin, you look like a turkey! Bleach those teeth!

I flipped past the shaping shorts and the shake weight, the Ab seat and the Ab Circle, and the endless creams to tighten every exposed area of skin. And then I stopped. I read it again, just to make sure. I quote: “This all-natural, easy-to-use cream plumps and tightens the walls of the vagina and reduces interior dimensions, giving you and your partner a dramatic increase in sensation.” *blink* Apparently, this product is a “sensible, realistic alternative to vaginal rejuvenation surgery.”

WHAT?!

The catalogue went into the trash. I still don’t feel any better about myself, my mood is still somewhat dark, but I take small comfort in the fact that I do not consider myself so far gone as to be considering any of that.

*This is an actual catalogue, found online here.